Indications That I Might Be A Bad Mother

1. I keep forgetting the baby. The other day I came back from lunch with my father, put the baby all wrapped up in his car seat on the dining room table and went to the computer to check my email. About ten minutes later my father came into my office and pointed out that the baby was still sitting, all swaddled in assorted layers of fleece and down, in the car seat on the dining room table. And that it was about a million degrees in the apartment.

2. When the baby simultaneously poops and falls asleep I let him sleep in the poopy diaper because if I change him it'll wake him up and who wants him to be awake?

3. My cleaning lady felt compelled to point out that the baby wasn't dressed warmly enough.

4. I have decided, in lieu of sterilizing the eighty-seven thousand bottles we go through in a day, to simply rinse them out with the scalding hot water that, in a happy coincidence, shoots from our fuacets.

5. The baby peed in his own face last night. Technically this was not my fault, as it was in the middle of a diaper change. What was my fault was that I didn't notice until I touched his hair and it was wet.

6. It took me two weeks to realize that the baby is not self cleaning, and probably would need to be bathed.

7. Sometimes, like at 11pm when the baby has been up for six hours vaciallating between crying, being about to cry, and just having cried, I really wish he would just go away.