Milo The Screech Owl

I used to think that having a baby was the ultimate in selfless acts. In the great hierarchy of selflessness, giving the gift of life seemed right up there with building houses with Jimmy Carter or working for Doctors Without Borders. But now, a few months into my great selfless act, I've come to see having a child as the ultimate in egotism. People always love to show off stuff they've made, whether it's a macaroni castle or a book or boogers. (I'm suddenly reminded of the four-year-old character on Mad TV who walks around saying "Look what I can do!")

In any event, anything that one can possibly make in life, even if it's the Brooklyn Bridge, pales in comparison to creating a living, breathing human being. I mean, look at me - I made a spleen! I made kidneys! Not just one but two of them! And look what this thing I made does, for God's sake. It eats! It poops! And now, get a load of this, it ROLLS OVER!. Has anyone ever made anything so marvelous in the history of time?

I now understand why people are constantly whipping out pictures of their kids, or talking about what little Aiden or Jaden or Caden did yesterday. Because all of these things are a massive ego trip. People are always saying (well, in the movies anyway) that their kid is the best thing they did with their lives. (To which I used to think, and still sort of think, come on, any idiot can make a baby. I mean, my CAT can make a baby.)

So it's hard not to think that everything Milo does is the coolest, greatest, amazing thing ever, and how wonderfully it reflects on his parents. That was until a few days ago, when Milo discovered he has the ability to screech. Screeching is not cool. It is not amazing. It is supremely annoying. There's not a lot you can do to make a five-month-old stop doing something. You can't explain to him that if he screeches he will get no more mashed banana. You can't take away his toys for screeching. You can't even say "Milo, no more screeching," because he will just smile at you and try to eat his own foot.

And so we wait for the screeching phase to be over. We wait for it to be replaced by something that will once again remind us how cool we are for making a human being.