In Search of People Exactly Like Me

You know spring has arrived in Park Slope when it is no longer possible to walk more than three feet without someone asking you to sign something. It's always something that ordinarily I would support (Democrats, the environment, gay rights) but I never stop to sign anything because, first off, I'm busy. If I'm walking down the street it's not usually because I'm just ambling around the neighborhood checking out the sights. Usually it's because I'm GOING SOMEWHERE. Quickly. So get the hell out of my way.

Also, I say no because the signature seekers always frame the question in a way that makes me want to hit them. It's always, "Do you have a minute for the environment?" or "Can you help the Democrats?" or "Are you in favor of equality for all?". Why is it so tempting to scream NO and then beat the person with their own clipboard? I usually want to say, "No. I hate the environment. I don't have a minute for it," and then duck into the nearest nail salon.

But mostly I have no respect for the clipboard people who choose Park Slope as their territory. As someone who was, many years ago, one of these very same people standing on a street corner with a clipboard yelling "Can [insert soon-to-be-defeated-Democratic-candidate's-name-here] count on your support on Tuesday?", I have to say that Park Slope is for pussies.

97 out of 100 people who walk by you on the sidewalk in Park Slope are Gay Democratic Greenpeace Supporters for Human Rights. The odds are good that no one is going to scream things like "Go have another abortion" at the Pro-Choice clipboard carrier, or "Jesus hates fags" at the gay rights activist. In fact, if they say anything to the clipboard-carriers it's probably "Frank! Saw you at the co-op Thursday! When are we getting together for that organic tea we keep talking about?"

So dude, pick a harder neighborhood - that's all I'm saying. Everyone in Park Slope is already all signed up for whatever cause you've got. We're double signed and triple signed. We belong to the People's Front of Judea AND the Judean People's Front, just in case. We love whales so much we want to marry them. We love the environment so much we don't even use electricity, just huddle around our cups of soy latte and discuss socialism by candlelight. We compete over who gets to sort peas at the Co-Op, for God's sake.

Go somewhere you might actually find a contrary opinion instead of twelve organic shoe stores. I suggest Queens.